Many people have come to me asking for advice over the years. I don't know why, because I'm certainly nothing special, and I'm not all-knowing. Maybe I'm a good listener, or maybe I can articulate their dilemma in a way they've never heard before. Whatever it is, I've decided to bring some questions to this blog, and post my answers in the hope that others will find some use for them.
I hope you will post comments and questions on this blog, and I'll attempt to respond as often as I can.
So...here goes. The first question:
Dear Dyson,
My husband died recently, and my question has less to do with coping with my sadness over the loss, and more to do with the incredible waywardness I feel in my new life alone. Some days, I just can't figure out what do do next. I want to live somewhere else, but I don't want to move. I want to be surrounded by friends, but I want to be alone. I want to go out to eat or to a movie, but I want to stay home. Sometimes I even want to be dead, but I don't want to die. What could I do to make myself feel more grounded?
Alone and Lost
Dear Alone,
I truly am so sorry for your loss. Your feelings of confusion and ambivalence are normal and understandable. After all, you used to define yourself as part of a couple, and now you can't. You need to redefine yourself, a process that is difficult, no matter what the circumstances.
My dear friend Nancy's husband died several years ago, and she decided within several months to sell their house and move to another city to be near one of her grown children. When she got there, she immediately fell into a relationship with a new man, and they soon moved in together. After only a few years, her child moved to another country and she and the man she was involved with had a bitter breakup. Nancy was trying to define herself in the only way she knew how...being involved with her children and being part of a couple. Not surprisingly, it didn't work.
So I caution you to take your time. Stay with what's familiar for as long as possible, and let your new alone-self emerge of her own accord. Many have found this new state of being very exhilarating and informative. There's the possibility that you'll discover things about yourself that never would have come up while you were considering your husband's likes and dislikes. Marriage is compromise and commitment. Being alone requires no compromises, and your commitment can be to yourself.
As for what you can do to make yourself feel more grounded, take your time and let change happen naturally, give yourself permission to do or not do what you want, and spend time quietly reflecting on the present moment, because usually, the present moment is all good.
Good luck, my dear,
Dyson
